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Sunday, 15 July 2012

A Taster of A New Life.

So the time has come to analyse and evaluate the last few months events and how my life stands now. I've been trying to find the words to describe exactly how I feel right now for weeks and have written many drafts but while showering today I had the biggest revelation and suddenly out of no where realised exactly how I felt and what had happened in the last few months and exactly how I wanted to write about it. 

When I last posted on here I was unsure of what the future held, whether what was playing out in front of me was real or a flicker of unconnected or even in some ways I guess coincidently connected events. Now most of you now have just gone 'huh?' but I hope to make it clear what I mean through this post.

When the 'ex' sent me that final text to say 'well i guess we should break up' I felt this huge sigh of relief almost like this huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders and dispersed into a million pieces into the air, all this worry and feeling of holding on and fear of losing left me as I realised all I had been fighting to keep, was something that didn't feel the same for me and if it was the other way round would not do the same for me. So what is the point of moping around and thinking about what I've lost when what I had 'lost' in all honest was not a relationship but a friendship with benefits. 

The following weekend I went on a joint social with the Equestrian team and the Rugby team at the Jolly Sailor where the previously mentioned guy was present on the rugby team. After a few hours of team activities and apparent flirting which was event to everyone else in the room but the two of us, we began the walk to barbars (club). Before leaving I had to wait for my housemates at the time bf to come pick her up and so I wouldn't be on my own walking across Canterbury I asked set guy to wait and walk with me. This turned out to be the best move I have ever made in my life. 

On the walk we spoke about various things including my recent (one week ago at this point) break up from the ex and then jokingly (well turns out we were both deadly serious) getting together ourselves or finding me someone closer to home. When we reached barsbars and were stood in the queue waiting to have our I.D's checked I decided knowing already how I felt that this could be our last chance to find out if each other liked each other as set guy was going home the next day for summer and when he returned in September who knows what the situation was going to be like. I kissed him, yes I know this was probably the most irrational thing I could have done but judging by his reaction it was again one of the best moves I've made. After the kiss we were split apart so I could enter in the girls queue and he could enter through the guys queue, we agreed to meet inside and talk about what just happened. 

We spoke most of the night about how we felt and rightly how he was concerned that this was just me rebounding after my last relationship, but in all honesty I had never been more certain of something in my life he made me feel different almost alive again, I felt special and like he was worth taking a risk for, and lets be honest this was all a huge risk....

what would everyone think? how would parents react? how would friends react? how would the ex react? would people judge me and if so did it effect me if they did? 

All these questions ran through my head in a mental Whirl Wind for the next couple of days, laying to rest in this conclusion...Right now all that I cared about was me and how these next few weeks would change my future. I love my friends and family but sometimes you have to make huge decisions for myself. Luckily it turned out that my friends and family supported this huge decision even commenting that I seemed to be the happiest I had been in a long time almost like a stronger more grounded me.

But shortly after all this the nagging side of my brain started to add doubt...

Is this all too quick? Are people secretly judging me for moving on with my life so effortlessly and quickly? Was I being silly? Why do I not feel upset? Should i be feeling guilty for moving on?

This all unfortunately came out to set guy on the Sunday Night of Old Boys weekend (the following weekend after the joint social) in my defence i was incredible drunk and was dealing with my drunk and upset friend who had just found out the guy she had been seeing was seeing someone else, set guy had disappeared with the rugby boys and I was trying to control this drunk nagging side of my brain. The final trigger was when set guy turned up, after several phone calls asking for his help, with mascara down his face (turns out he had hugged a crying girl) but at the time that was enough to fly my nagging brain out of control and into break down mode...i burst into tears and in the middle of Marlowe Arcade cried my mind out to set guy and my dear friends from the Equestrian team. After pouring my heart out my dear friend grabbed me by the face shock me slightly and in her drunken state said 'YOU TO ARE GOING TO GET MARRIED AND HAVE BEAUTIFUL CHILDREN' . This made us all laugh and continued our journey to once again barbars to where we had a beautiful picture despite the three of us had been crying and were drenched from the rain.

However, this event managed to shut my nagging brain up, I could not believe and suddenly realised quite how special this guy was as he stood by me when I really need him, and listened to me rant about my ex bf and how i felt guilty moving on but yet again wanted nothing more than to be with him and not scare him away with this outburst of uncontrolable ranting. This sudden realisation showed me that this is how a couple should be together through bad and good, there for each other no matter what is wrong. 

My Best Friend at home summed it all up just right I think when I confided in her at home...

'You only live once so do the things that make you happy, and avoid the things that don't, so you know what go for it!' 

And you know what she is right you cant try and stop yourself being happy because the world says I should be upset after a break up because if thats what stops me being happy then there is no point doing anything because your not doing them for the right reasons.

So yes no matter how I look at it this is all real and is making me a new happier Sophia.

I finally feel like everything is falling into place and making sense, I think I'm pretty close to living a perfect life right now.

Bring on the Future! 

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