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Tuesday, 22 May 2012

True Friend will go to the ends of the earth to find the things you need, they are the people that will be there for you no matter what and help you the best they can in time of need.

I've found out recently who my true friends are :)

Well since my last post Me and my Boyfriend have split up, he decided we needed to go on a break but I don't believe in them, the break was tearing me apart and I couldn't make heads or tails of the situation, therefore I told him that we are either together or we're not...he chose to break up with me. On receiving the text to say it was over my two house-mates kicked into action grabbing the wine and my dinner before sitting with me in my room while at first I cried but then once the guys had gone to the lads house and the house was free we moved from my room to the living room and danced the night away with multiple bottles of wine before dragging down mattresses and sleeping in the living room with all my house-mates the lads and all. 

The fact that in this situation my house-mates dropped everything to make sure I was alright and to keep me from curling up in a ball of tears just showed me how much they truly care! I knew before that I could go to them about anything and they would assist the best they could but just this night made me sit back and look at what truly matters in life...the ones who are around through thick and thin.

I've also had a huge realisation this week in the fact that I haven't laid around being miserable, in all honesty I've been too busy to, but I have thought about this a lot- I've just come out of a two year relationship so why am I not extremely upset? 

The only conclusion I can come to is that it was over before it ended...looking back on the last few months he was distant, inattentive, rarely heard from him and when I text him in the middle of a mental break down asking to Skype as all I needed was someone to tell me everything was going to be okay and I could get through this last bit..he turned me away, saying he was too busy. I brushed these occasions off and put it down to him being stressed from exams, but in all honesty that was really no excuse for someone your meant to care a lot about. I also realised that more often than not I would find myself upset as he would not contact me and I had to start doing all the floor work, if I didn't text him first in a day I wouldn't hear from him and as our relationship relied on contact it was starting to flake at the seams.

But don't get me wrong I am upset at losing him as he was not just my Boyfriend but my Best Friend, my rock as they say, but I'm more angry at him for not fighting for what we had and just finding it acceptable to brush me away..and no I haven't heard from him since. But after his exams are finished I want to contact him to see if he's alright and be civil as I don't want to lose the friendship I had with him before our relationship.

Every Cloud Has a Silver Lining...

This week hasn't been all bad to be honest... a guy that I've been close friends with for two years now on my course has been here for me and has been the sweetest person ever to me! He's sat there and listened while I've ranted my heart out and genuinely listened to every word I've said and responded with what he honestly thinks. This guy has also been there for me all hours of the day including three o'clock in the morning when I can't sleep he'll come on Skype to me and make sure I'm alright. He also respects that I've just come out of a relationship and despite telling me how much I mean to him has happily taken the seat of being there for me until my feet are firmly back on the ground-he's the true definition of a rock! We'll see what the future holds :)

For now I just want the people who have been there for me during this time to know that I really appreciate them being here and I hope I can do the same for them in the future, and as I sad before it's okay not to be okay as there will always be someone to pick you up and put you back on your feet :)

Que Sera, Sera, Whatever will be, will be, the future's not ours, to see, Que Sera, Sera, What will be, will be.

Sunday, 6 May 2012

Well this is my first ever blog so here goes nothing :) 

I thought I'd start with a little bit about me and why I'm writing this blog. I'm currently 19 and studying History and American Studies in Canterbury living away from home-Ah scary! After University I want to eventually go on to do my PGCE in Primary Education and start my dream job working with children, and possible helping and supporting disabled children in some way. But to get to that dream job I've gotta get over this stage of my life first.  

My family and friends mean everything to me, and I can say that moving away from home just under 2 years ago now was one of the hardest things I've ever done. I miss my mum and dad even though through my school years looking back I argued with them and tried to fight against them, especially my dad about school work, going out, boys, independence...standard teenage stuff but it got to the point where all I wanted was someone to say 'well done I'm proud of you' instead of my dads response of well you could have done better in that despite getting a high B in my other subjects. However, it wasn't always like that there were times when I could see that my mum and dad really did care and wanted me to do well and have always tried to support me in what ever I wanted to do. Which is why now at university I surprisingly find myself massively missing my parents, and frequently getting very homesick. 

As for my friends both back at home, although many I have lost contact with minus a special few, and here in Canterbury, my new group of friends who are more like a family to me, they should know that I'll always be here no matter what, even if you just want to rant at someone I'm happy to sit there and listen and offer the advice needed, although I do warn you I say it how I see it. My friends at uni are formed of a large group which has been separated into three houses this year across Canterbury, although next year we will all be living down the same road again which I can't wait for. We are formed of a variety of different personalities from the loud and lively to the calm but bubbly, but we all some how click and when all together have the best of times and in all honesty I don't think I could have survived uni so far without them.

I have a boyfriend who is my rock he drives me mad and I miss him more than anything in the world  but I also love him more than anything as well. At the start of our 2 year relationship he moved from Essex, where we met, all the way across the country to Devon, some people have called me crazy for sticking to it and at the start I was told it will never last but I think as it is coming up to our 2 year anniversary you can say we have successfully proved those people wrong! I'm not saying there hasn't been times where I sit back and think what am I doing to myself but then I'll get a text from him or I'll see a picture of him and I get that fuzzy feeling all over again and realise..yeah that's why I'm doing this...Love. 

Yes yes I know mussy bit over and this is where I come on to explaining why I have decided to write a blog.

I used to think I was strong and could tackle any problem head on with confidence and a smile on my face, however, since I came to University I have found my confidence has disolved and I am left with what can only be described as a mess. I have exams coming up at the middle of this week and have found after the last few months of revision to what can only be described by a normal person as being well prepared, why do I find myself not making it through a day without breaking down in a ball of tears and stress? The answer I have not yet to find but I have decided to instead of breaking down into this ball of tears to vent my problem in the form of this in hope of realising that nothing is that bad and I can do it.

But do not fear I do not plan to spend all my time ranting through this blog I also hope to use it to write about and remember funny times, events, new interests and giving a little insight into my life which at the moment seems to be full of drama! 

Now I feel I have bored you enough with this first blog so therefore will leave you with this...remember when you are trying to stay strong but can feel yourself coming to breaking point that its okay not to be okay and that no matter what there is always someone to make you smile again :)